The Alternative Medical Dictionary

Submitted by Dennis Robb

Caesarian Section.............................A neighbourhood in Rome

Artery.........................................The study of paintings

Bacteria.....................................Back door of a cafeteria

Barium..............................What doctors do when patients die

Bowel.....................................A letter like A, E, I, O, U

Cat Scan..........................................Searching for kitty

Cauterise...................................Made eye contact with her

Coma...............................................A punctuation mark

Dilate.................................................To live longer

Enema....................................................Not a friend

Fester........................................................Quicker

Fibula....................................................A small lie

Genital.....................................................Not a Jew

Hangnail....................................................Coat hook

Impotent....................................Distinguished, well known

Labour pain......................................Getting hurt at work

Medical staff...........................................Doctor's cane

Morbid.................................................A higher offer

Nitrates.......................................Cheaper than day rates

Node.....................................................Was aware of

Outpatient...................................A person who has fainted

Pap smear...........................................A fatherhood test

Recovery room................................A place to do upholstery

Rectum...........................................Dang near killed 'em

Secretion............................................Hiding something

Seizure.................................................Roman emperor

Tablet..................................................A small table

Terminal illness..........................Getting sick at the airport

Urine........................................Opposite of "you're out"

Varicose.......................................................Nearby

Vein........................................................Conceited


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