Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious.
"I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours...all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from a snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And so it came to pass ... the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees was begun.
MYDIXADUD
Pfizer Drug has announced that their popular drug, Viagra, will now be available in liquid form. It will be marketed under the name Mydixadud. It will now be possible for a man to go home after a tough day at the office and literally pour himself a stiff one.
THE IRISH FARMER
A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.
Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason ?
Seamus stared at the reporter and said, " Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?
The Lady (getting embarrassed): " Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"
Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?
The Lady : Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ?
The Farmer : I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you go fuing mad?
THE IRISH PUB
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
