So I got nicked, my old man gave me agood hiding (deservedly so!) and I endup at Epping magistrates Juvenilecourt, another thing I didn't mentionwas that I had one previous convictionfor threatening behaviour which wasnothing to do with me really, I wasjust with some mates who threw abottle at this bloke who was giving usgrief for making a racket outside hishouse, I got two years probation forjust being there!By the time THE GREAT MILK SCAM cameto court I was 15 years old I wasstill on probation for threateningbehaviour and I had to be taught alesson! What do think I got? Yepthree fucking months in DetentionCentre. Let me explain a bit here,D.C was, as Willy Whitelaw, the Homesecretary at the time, called "TheShort Sharp Shock". It was a Borstalfor the under 18's. I think 14-17year old's and I fitted the bill,there was one snag apparently therewere no available places at the timeof conviction as D.C's hadn' t beenaround long, so get this, they releaseme into my parents custody until aplace becomes available, remember I'ma 15 year old kid, I got to go toschool knowing that I am going insideto a nightmare at any time, nowarning, I reckon it fucked me up abit, but I behaved myself.
I think it was about three weeks laterI had to go to our 4-man policestation and surrender myself tocustody and the cunts took me away.
Let's look at this, I was hardly ahardened criminal, alright I didshitty things just like any kid, but Ihad already been punished I reckon bya good kicking from my old man andthree weeks of shitting myself andlistening to the rumours of how bad itwas in D.C and how I would lose myanal virginity etc. Well here is thefull truth of what really happens inD.C's and probably the reason why theyeventually scrapped D.C. I must saynow I have no reason to bullshit orexaggerate anything and this is whathappened, also bare in mind that theGovernment are contemplating re-opening something similar to combatthe juvenile crime today. Read thisand see if you think it would do moredamage than good.
I was taken to Kiddlington in Oxford,I remember it was near a smallairfield (anyone reading live nearthere?). For the journey there I wasthe only one in the mini-bus with twocoppers one driving of course theother watching me as if I was a madanimal ready to make a break everytime they stopped at traffic lights, Ididn't move a muscle for the wholejourney I was so scared, when wearrived what seemed like four hourslater I was taken to reception andstood in front of a screw who told metake off my clothes I did leaving mypants on "Them as well son" then helooked me over, said he was lookingfor tattoos and scars which was noteddown along with other details, name,age etc.
He told me my number was "43756" (Ithink!) and he told me "Never-everforget that number boy!" (which Ididn't for years after). I noddedback to him and he looked up at mewith an evil look, you call me andevery officer here "Sir", which Iremember shocked me for some reason.I was given a bed pack, a set ofworking clothes and uniform and atoothbrush and comb "That's all youget, lose any and you go without".The shoes and boots I was given didn'tquite fit me and I was too scared tosay anything and had blisters on myfeet for weeks.
After being kitted out I was run (notwalked) to a cell, I had to pass agiant open dining room which I thoughtmust be empty because the wholebuilding was deadly silent as Iapproached I couldn't even hear theclank of knives and forks, but thedining room was full of around 50-60people eating, with screws standingand watching them, I later found outthe knives and forks were of courseplastic, so not forgetting I was starkbollock naked carrying my clothes andshit running pass these people butwhat was even more surprising I don'tthink anyone even looked up! I wasbunged in a cell, but the door wasn'tlocked. I was given a list of myrights and the ground rules I had toobey, obviously I can't rememberexactly what it said as it was over 16years ago, but basically I had norights and do as your told and keepyour mouth shut and call officers"Sir". After a while a prisoner camein and he seemed o.k. he was anorderly he
told me he was wearing agreen tie he pointed out, my tie wasred (lamer) if you behaved and workedhard I would get a blue tie which gaveyou extra privileges such as an hourof TV once a week or a cushy job inthe kitchen etc. Only the Elite get agreen one (arse lickers/grasses).
I asked the orderly if I could phoneme mum, he laughed don't be a cuntyour lucky if you get a V.O (a "V.O"is a visitors order that you send toyour family/friends in order to letthem visit you).
For the first two weeks I was in a 12bed dormitory, then in a four beddormitory, then for the last two weeksin a single cell on my own. Don't askthe reasoning behind this.
To cut a long story short and stop yougetting bored, here is a typical dayin Oxford D.C:
Remember - everything, and I meaneverything, is done in total silence,no talking was allowed at all exceptat predefined times or when absolutelynecessary. The 3 month sentence ishalfed when you go in to six weeks andtime is added on for bad behaviour.
GETTING UP 7.00 A.M.
Woken up (you get up immediately, Inever saw what happened if youdidn't).
Make your bed pack, you had to foldyour sheets and blanket in a precisefashion at the end of your bed,presumably so they can see you haven'tstolen one to use in an escape! Thisritual was fanatically upheld, therewere even classes held to show peoplehow to fold them properly, you had togo to these classes if your packwasn't perfect and I mean fuckingperfect, all to do with discipline!
After making your bed pack, getdressed in working gear, overalls,boots and gaiters.
Then into the washing area, if youneeded to shave (one or two did), youwere issued with a razor and watchedby a screw until finished, Bic'sweren't about in them days and thescrews didn't want anyone getting holdof razor blades.
To clean your teeth you were issuedtoothpowder, not paste, it wasbasically smokers powder which afterweeks of use took off the enamel ofyour teeth, bastards.
7.30 A.M
Into the giant open dining room, pickup a plastic tray which had fourcompartments in it where your food wasslapped, typical breakfast wasPorridge, 1 sausage, 2 slices oftoast, cup of tea (no sugar available)One thing I noticed, I didn't eatanything for the first day, partlybecause it tasted so crap and partly,I suppose, because I was stillshitting myself and of course the cons(fellow prisoners) on my table lappedup mine, secretly of course.
On the wall was a large pad of paperand on it was a large capital letterit was a T, at the time I didn't knowwhat it was so I ignored it.
8.00 A.M
Into the courtyard, where we werecounted and allocated places of work,on my first day I was left in thecourtyard with about ten other cons,we had all arrived that week I assumeand get this, we had drill training(marching, like in the army) Left,right, left, right right wheel, leftwheel, quick march, double march etc.This was because everywhere we wentoutside the building you had to marchin an orderly and professionalfashion, there was also extra classesthat you had to take if you were crap.
On later days I was sent to theworkshop, where you had to push rubberon to strips of metal for curtainrails it was fucking painful yourhands were red raw after a few hours,but there was one bonus that made itall worth it, the only place in thecamp that had a radio and it was oncontinuously and as nobody was allowedto talk you could hear it, I stillremember hearing Music was my firstlove by John Miles on the radio andwhenever I hear that it always remindsme of that shit-hole workshop. I alsoworked on the gardens, digging bigholes for no apparent reason and laterdoing floor cleaning, I never did geta cushy job. 12.30 LUNCH
I honestly can't remember much aboutthe food, except that the one thing Ireally liked was what they called"Duff pudding" I would have fuckingkilled for it, one day when wehappened to have Duff, a screw calledout "Seconds". I was up like a shotto get some, the problem was I hadn'tfinished mine and the threecompartments on my tray had been fullof things like gravy and shit likethat so on my way to the hatch I tookone massive mouth full of duff it wasso big I could hardly fit it in,anyway a screw saw me a whacked meround the head so hard I nearly spatthe lot out, "You fucking Animal, Getback to your table!".
So I had my first run in and missedout on the extra Duff. A con who Igot on with quite well on my tablethen whispered to me "It wasn't yourturn you stupid cunt!" and he flickedhis eyes over to the pad on the wallthat had the letter 'W' on it, then hewhispered "It's the first letter ofyour surname, your's is 'B', that'swhen you can get seconds". If thescrew had realised I had tried to conthe seconds queue fuck knows whatwould of happened.
1.00 P.M.
This was the first chance to talk toanyone for 10-15 minutes, just have ageneral chat etc., this is when I hadthe old smoking pangs the most Theonly drag of a fag I ever had in thesix weeks I was there was a from thebutt of a fag a screw dropped outsideand didn't tread on it.
1.15 APPROX
The older cons (16 and over) went backto work and the lamers - under 16 -went to school, which was basically awooden hut with an outside teacher,sometimes a women. It was excellentand just like real school you couldfuck about, talk and not learn athing, although you could only fuckabout so much of course because if theteacher reported your behaviour to thescrews the diarrhoea hit the fan, alsoyour school work was taken intoconsideration on weather your tie waspromoted.
4.00 (I THINK)
P.E. Nasty, your P.E. kit had to befolded perfectly in your personalshelf that had your number on it, youwouldn't believe the fuss if it wasn'tperfect! P.E. was enjoyable butbloody hard, circuit training, longdistance running (round a footballpitch), gym exercises like push upsetc. and the instructor making sureeveryone was pushed to the limit, hisfavourite catchphrase I remember was"You fucking great Jellybabys". P.E.was also a place where if you didreally well you could earn tiepromotion.
5.30 TEA
Was identical to lunch, except youwere totally knackered.
6.00 P.M.
The three hours between 6 and 9 wasspent in classes of some sort, if youwere crap at making bedpacks ormarching or whatever you had to go ona special class for lamers, if youwere free you could choose from arange of classes such a motormechanics, cookery, English etc.It all sounded good but was extremelycrap, it was all theory and nopractice, most people tried cookeryclasses thinking they would be able toget hold of some food, no fuckingchance you were in a classroom withbooks, unbelievable, it was basicallyto give us all something to do, with aminimum amount of pleasure gainedpossible.
Between 7 and 8pm the blue and greenties got special privileges likewatching TV and playing chess andcards. Hmm, I have to admit I nevergot any promotion of any sort.
9.00 P.M.
At last a quick shower and bed. Thisis where I devised a system of my own,now I was (and still am) a bit of anintrovert/shy, the toilets in thisjoint were bloody awful, if you wanteda crap you had to sit there in frontof everyone as the cubicles had nodoors on (to stop people wanking inthere I was told) and during the dayif you wanted to go for a slash orwhatever you had to call out "Can Ifall out Please Sir" which in Englishmeant can I got to the bog mate! Ifhe was in a good mood he would say yesand take you to the bogs and stand atthe doorway and inevitably there wouldbe others there as well, not so bad ifyou just want to piss but I was fuckedif I was going to sit there strainingand taking a dump in front of two orthree people oh for a bit of humandignity! I realised to get a peacefuldump you waited until bedtime and wheneverything was settled down and ask tofall out then!
In the dorm's you have a screw sittingin a comfy armchair at the end of thedorm all night keeping an eye on us,he is the one you ask if you can fallout, so I did that and 8 times out often he would let you go on your ownand you could fart and strain andenjoy all the pleasures of a qualitydumping session in relative peace,although you had a time limit as afterabout five minutes he would check youout.
Other things that spring to mind wasthat I was always hungry, you nevergot enough to eat. There was not oneact of violence in the whole six weeksI was there apart from screws slappingyou on the head or a quick kick in thearse, there was little opportunity forcons to talk together yet alone fight,and my anus remained fully intact (andstill is, thank you lord),
I could go on for at least another 100pages but I think you get the generalgist of how life was in D.C onreflection I had a lucky time not muchtrouble and I got out in 6 weeks withno time penalties. One thing I mustsay though is it worked on me, therewas no fucking way I wanted to go backin that shit hole or any like it,apparently I was in a soft one, aplace called "Send" was the worst Iwas told. I kept out of trouble thenuntil I was about 19.
What do you think this military typetraining would do to the kids now?Would it work? I think it might help,there is a lot to be said for good oldfashioned discipline and there is nochance of cons learning "tricks of thetrade" from other cons as you barelyget the chance to talk to anyone.Short Sharp Shock anyone?
If you did a D.C why not write in withwhat happened to you? Especially ifyou did it at Oxford!End.
