I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral in it.

Next day, Kathy said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking eggs to market in a box on the front seat of the truck, when we hit a bump and a lot of them broke and made a mess."

"So, what's the moral of the story," asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Another child, Lucy, told her story. "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had 16 eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got 10 live chicks.

And the moral to this story is: don't count your chickens until they hatch."

"That was fine," said the teacher.

"Now, Johnny, do you have a story too?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in Desert Storm in Iraq--and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She killed 15 with the machine gun, but then it jammed. She hacked 3 more with the machete until the blade broke. And she killed the last 2 with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!" exclaimed the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you was in this terrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says

"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out, just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep shagging her up the arse for now..."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'".

Madonna, Rod Stewart and Elton John are out for an evening stroll. Whilst walking past the local school, Madonna trips up and falls, wedging her head firmly between the school railings. Rod Stewart, not being one to miss an opportunity decides he isn't going to miss this one and, unzipping his tartan pants takes Madonna from behind.

Giving it plenty, Rod turns to Elton and says 'Do you fancy a go of this when I'm finished?'

'I'd love to....' replied Elton.....'but I don't think my head will fit through the railings'.

This guy lying in a hospital bed says to the nurse "Hows about a kiss nurse" "No" says the nurse. "Go on. Just one kiss" "No" says the nurse. "Please. Just one kiss".

"No" says the nurse. "I shouldn't even be giving you a wank".

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine!"

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?'

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut!"

The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!!!?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!"

The Reverend John Flapps was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvanian town.

One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps"

The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. "Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

A chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it's £20. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".

She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request.

Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket.

"Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her.

So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.

Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so that she has the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.

After they've finished she says

"Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "It's Foursprung Duck Technique". :-)))

Just to show we're not racists in any shape or form.... heres a tale of everyday normal Australian folk!!!

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And then drives off.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

"It`s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre , kiss me."

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie`s lips.

"What are you doing Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little,

Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine."

They resume their passionate interlude and Marie begins to pant with excitement.

She leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He lights a match and puts it to the Cognac.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!"

Pierre strikes an heroic pose and proclaims, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, if I go down, I go down in flames!"

It is the opening debate of the 2001 World Women's Conference on the subject of Female Assertiveness.

The first speaker from Canada stood up : "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I still saw nothing. But after the third day I saw hat he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd applauded.

The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and that he wid haftae dae it hissel. Efter the first day ah saw nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could jist see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."

Happy Christmas