When you were a kid did you geteverything you wanted off Santa Clauseor were you the same as me and gotstuff for school like socks, shirts,trousers, new shoes, etc. and if Iwas very lucky a Dandy and Beanoannual?
It always appeared to me that if youwere rich you got more stuff off Santathan if you were poor. It wasn't asif I didn't look after him every year.Without fail I left a mince pie and aglass of sherry out for him. When Igot older I increased this to a platefull of mince pies and a whole bottleof the best sherry. I even startedleaving carrots and hay out for thefucking reindeer, but I still nevergot what I asked for.
Last year I got so pissed off with thefat old git not looking after me Idecided to try a different approach.I heard that the major computer shopin Portsmouth had built a Grotto forSanta and that he was sitting in thereasking the kids what they wanted himto leave under the Christmas tree forthem. I decided to pay him a visitmyself and tell him face to face whatI wanted.
When I got to the store the staff werea bit surprised for some reason as Ipaid my fiver at the grotto entranceand tried to walk in by myself."Excuse me sir" said a chap who lookedas if he'd come out of Burtons window."We only allow adults in the Grottowith their children as a rule"."Does that mean I've got to go and getmy Mum or Dad before I can go in" Isaid. He looked at me in a verystrange way and said "No, no you carryon in if you want to Sir I'm sure itwill be OK"
As I walked forward along thepassageway I saw little bloke aboutfour foot high dressed all in greencollecting the tickets off the peoplein front of me, they all appeared tobe no older than about nine or ten infact I was the only grown up person inthere for some reason.
"Hello boys and girls I'm Gary theGoblin, Merry Christmas to you all"said the little bloke, "and welcome toSanta's Grotto"
"Hello Gary the Goblin, MerryChristmas to you too" The kids allshouted in reply, at this time I wasstanding right next to Gary. So notto be left out I shook his hand andsaid "Pleased to meet you Mr Goblinaren't you a cute little fellow".
Gary became a bit upset for someunknown reason by this and shouted"That's it, that's it take the pissout of me you big eared bastard youwouldn't say that if I was seven footfucking six tall would you"?
I was quite taken aback by Gary'ssudden change in attitude, but beforeI could say anything else the queuemoved on. As I looked back I wasamazed to see the once friendly littlefellow was now transformed into asnarling evil little shit who wassnatching the tickets from thechildren as they approached and keptrepeating "I'm Gary the Gobbler, MerryFucking Christmas". The kids caughtup with the Christmas spirit of thingsand all chanted in reply "Hello Garythe Gobbler, and a Merry FuckingChristmas to you too"!
I was a bit concerned by the childrenswearing as they were, but I'daccepted for a long time thatstandards had been slipping anyway.
A few yard's farther on the passagewayopened up into what must have beenwhat they called Santa's Grotto and Icaught my first glimpse of the greatman himself sitting on a large chair.He was wearing a bright red coat witha hood and he had the longest whitebeard you ever saw. He was surroundedby box after box containing all sortsof computer hardware, software,modems, disk drives, games harddrives, in fact you name it and it wasthere. Standing on the other side ofSanta was a beautiful Fairy dressed ina skin tight silver costume with largesilk wings at the back.
I couldn't help but notice what agreat figure she had and if I hadn'tknown she was one of Santa's littlehelpers I'd have sworn she was one ofthe local girl's who did toplessbarmaiding at the "El Gringo" wine barand Disco down the High Street. Onthis side of Santa was a wishing well,standing next to this was anotherlittle chap about the same size asGary but this one was dressed all inblue he had a badge on the front ofhis jacket which said "Eric the Elf".
As the queue moved forward I could seethat it was Eric's job to help eachvisitor to climb on Santa's lap wherethey were then asked by Santa whatthey wanted for Christmas, havingwhispered their reply to him theyclimbed down, went up to the Fairy whorummaged round in a big sack fromwhich she then produced a parcel forthem, after that they were directedtowards a door marked exit.
It was all rather rushed and over inthe blink of an eye so it wasn't longbefore I stood in front of Eric theElf "Which kids yours" he said.
"None of them, it's me that's come tosee Santa."
"Your having me on" said Eric "it's aYour've Been Framed stunt ain't it."
"No," I said "I want to see Santa".Eric broke out into laughter for somereason but I ignored him and turnedtowards Santa "I'm not having you onmy bloody lap you must be at least 14stone, you'll crush me nuts" he said.
To my surprise he too broke out intouncontrollable laughter. Now by thistime I'd gathered that both Eric theElf and Santa were laughing at me forsome reason and I decided to leavebefore I lost my temper with them. Iwalked over to the Fairy who by nowwas also laughing. She looked up atme and said "Aren't you a little oldfor this sort of thing or are you somesort of pervert or what".
That was the final straw I'm afraidand I lost my temper and said. "I'vepaid my fiver like everybody else sogimme a parcel before I rip yourfucking wings off".
She stopped laughing and practicallydived into the sack to get my parcel,but as she did so her tits dropped outof the top of her costume. Iimmediately recognised a flowertattooed on her left breast and knewstraight away who she really was.
"Your not a real Fairy," I said "yourthat tart from the wine bar they call"Martini", cause it's any time, anyplace, anywhere, for you ain't it?"
At this point all hell broke loose.Santa threw a kid off his lap onto thefloor and shouted at me "You shitheadthat's my Misses your talking to".
The very irate Santa then rushed at melike something possessed, but as hedid so he knocked Eric the Elf overand the little chap ended up upsidedown in the Wishing Well with his feetin the air. Santa in the meantime hadgrabbed me by the throat and had begunto shake my head from side to side, Idecided enough was enough and kneedhim in the bollocks with every bit ofstrength I could find.
He fell to the floor like a big redsack of potatoes. As he fell hisbeard came off together with his hood.I looked down at him in totaldisbelief! This wasn't Santa, thiswas Ted who worked part time atTesco's as a shelf loader. Where wasthe real Father Christmas what hadthese bastards done to him?
"Where's Santa" I shouted at Ted. Tedmade no reply he just lay there on thefloor holding his groin and screamingin such agony it could have been heardback at the North Pole. The woman whohad a few minutes before been anangelic Fairy came at me and hit me onthe head with the largest parcel shecould find in her sack.
I fell on top of Ted who grabbed meand we began banging and crashing intothe grotto walls and scenery, all thenicely boxed computer stuff fell overthen during our following struggle wemanaged to break or completelydemolish six plastic Reindeer, twofairy lights, a half dozen toadstool'sthree papier-mache Snowmen, a Nativityscene made from toilet rolls Cornflakeboxes and empty plastic bottles (asmade on Blue Peter the week before).Then just as a final touch we fellcompletely through a cardboard roofand took with us a chimney pot and asleigh made out of egg boxes andstring.
As you can imagine by the time thedust settled besides seventy-twoscreaming kids, a tattooed Fairy, avery grumpy Goblin and an enraged Elf.Ted and I had been joined in what wasleft of Santa's Grotto by the storemanager, four sales personnel and aman from the RSPCA who kept asking"Has there been any cruelty to theReindeer".
I sat amongst the debris for a fewminutes wandering why on earth any onewould want to kidnap Santa Clause andthen take his place. At this pointthe store manager came up to me "Whatthe bloody hell's going on, what's thebig problem."
"This is a phoney Santa" I said "Callthe Police, they've got the real onehid away somewhere, I bet they weregoing to demand ransom money for him"
The manager then whispered in my ear"Are you an idiot or what of course itain't the real Santa there's no suchthing as Santa Clause. Santa Clauseain't for real don't you know that"?
I was stunned "Your having me on," Isaid "Everyone know's he's real".
The manger and his staff then spentthe next twenty minutes shattering mydreams and illusions. They eventuallymanaged to convince me that in factSanta Clause after all did not reallyexist and that my Mom and Dad had beentelling me lies all these year's. Iwas devastated by this news as I betyou are now but somebody had to put anend to all the lies and the deceitthat's gone on for all these year's,somebody had to tell the truth. So Isaid to the Manager "I'm going to thepress and I'm going to tell the worldwhat you've just told me".
"You can't do that," he said "Thewhole of the business world rely onChristmas sales to exist if you go tothe press we'll all be ruined."
"I don't care," I said "the truth mustcome out."
The manager went a funny purple colourand said "Don't do a thing, wait theretill I get back".He walked away and I surveyed what wasleft of the Grotto. A very sadlooking Santa was being supported byan even sadder looking fairy withbroken wings, Eric the Elf was beinghelped out of the well by Gary theGoblin and the Grotto itself had beentotally flattened, they all looked atme in disgust and began mutteringobscenities at me still it wasn't myfault was it they shouldn't have toldme Porky Pies should they?
The Manager returned at this point andsaid to me "Look, I've spoken to headoffice and they've decided that if yousay nothing about this to anybody youcan have whatever you want off us forChristmas".
What a kind man I thought, there is aFather Christmas after all. I know Iwas bribed but what would you havedone? Anyway they let me takeeverything I wanted and I had the bestChristmas ever and I finished upowning, a Pentium 3 PC, printer,scanner, web cam, monitor, etc. etc.it was wonderful.
Still that was LAST year and I'd likeone or two things off Santa thisChristmas, so if you know where he hashis Grotto this year give me a callI've got a brand new list for him.
I WOULD LIKE TO WISH A GREAT CHRISTMAS TO ANYONE!
End.
