Carol's Corkers

Submitted by Carol McGinn

With the miracle of fertility treatment , a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65.

When she was discharged from hospital , her relatives came to visit. "Can we see the baby?" they asked. "Not yet , " said the 65 year old mother. Twenty minutes later, they asked again . " Can we see the baby?" "Not yet , " said the mother.

Another twenty minutes later , they asked again. " Can we see the baby?" " Not yet ," said the mother.

Growing very impatient , they said. " Well, when can we see the baby then ?"

" When it cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "

"Because I forgot where I put it."

Top Ten He Said, She Said

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear pants, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."

Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need..

GENERAL EQUATIONS; STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

The Paisley Women

A depressed young Paisley woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Clyde. When she went down the docks a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for, " he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.

"The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me."

"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.

"He's screwing me" said the girl.

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Govan ferry"