A bloke walks into a crowded bar with a crocodile under his arm. The
barman says ""You can't bring that in here, it's a wild animal."" "No it's not, it's perfectly tame, watch this"... and places the
croc on the table, forces it's jaws wide apart, then flops his dick
out and places it delicately on the lower teeth of the croc. He then whips a baseball bat from nowhere and larries the croc over
the head with it. The croc goes mad, takes a sharp intake of breath and snaps it's jaws
down to within a gnats bollock of it's owners dick. At this stage
you could hear a gnat fart in the crowded bar. Then casually the
bloke puts his dick away, into his trousers. "Anyone else fancy having a dabble at that for 500 quid." He asks. Up leaps a little old lady at the back of the bar. "I'll do it, I'll
do it" ... she shouts, "So long as you don't hit me as hard as you
hit that fucking crocodile.
One day a little boy comes bounding in from the back garden, and runs
straight to his mother. Son: Mum, are birds made of metal.? Mum: Of course not, why do you ask such a silly thing.? Son: It's just dad's outside, and he said he wants to screw the arse
off the bird next door!
One day Mrs Flanagan feels sickly, and goes to the doctor, to be checked out. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now Mrs Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go to see Mrs O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her cloths torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a birds nest.
A shocked Mr Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is, and she said, "Piss in a bottle, woman." So I said, "Go shit in yer hat!, .. and the fight was on."
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class, one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "what's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher returns to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is even a louder giggle from another student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw the tops of your stockings."
This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks, get out of my classroom."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time she hears a burst of laughter from Johnny. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks Johnny?
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."