A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies." he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?"
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females."
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he replied.
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
There was a sensitive man with a bald head and a wooden leg who got invited to a Halloween party. He didn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he wrote to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thought this was terrible because they had just emphasized his wooden leg. He wrote a rude letter of complaint. A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which said: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."
Now the man was really annoyed, since they had gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head,and he wrote the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
A couple of days later he received a small parcel and a note which read: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple!"
This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.
She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long- stemmed red roses... the expensive ones... from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"
The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vice Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough Par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.
Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."
So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball, it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead.
Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep into the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."
"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try make some conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to the first duck.
"Huey," said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice." says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. Don't ask about my fucking day."
Wiremu,a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good," said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc!" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a second opinion eh!"
The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you hev eltitude suckniss eh."
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Will Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your balls.
"Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Wiremu, "those Englishmen wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his willie and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
A couple had been married 20 years, and every time the couple made love the husband insisted on shutting the lights off.
Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night while they were in the middle of making love, she turned the lights on. She looked down and saw her husband holding a cucumber.
"You impotent bastard!!" she yelled" How could you have lied to me all these years? You had better explain yourself!!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll explain the cucumber if you explain the three kids."
A long, long time ago... I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I first learned of Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.
So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus ?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so ?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow ?
Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died I started singin'...
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died We were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Holerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was.....
01110000100101001011000100010111000110100101.......
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male.....Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking,and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n
Female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male.....A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes