A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Indiana. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereo type women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general....and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt
singularly honoured this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at
his table. TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the
Captain. WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer
and a gentleman. THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do
not give in to his indecent proposals! FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to
communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of
signs seen around the world.
At a Budapest zoo:
Doctors office, Rome:
Hotel, Acapulco:
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
In a Nairobi restaurant:
On the grounds of a private school:
On an Athi River highway:
On a poster at Kencom:
In a City restaurant:
One of the Mathare buildings:
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
In a cemetery
Sign in Japanese public bath:
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
In a Tokyo bar:
In a Bangkok temple:
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Hotel brochure, Italy:
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
Hotel elevator, Paris:
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
Hotel, Japan:
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Taken from a menu, Poland:
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
From the "Soviet Weekly":
In an East African newspaper:
Hotel, Vienna:
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
Hotel, Zurich:
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
A laundry in Rome:
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE
IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED.
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A
MAN.
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS
OF ASCENSION.
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS
IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN
IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS
HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO
MISCARRIAGES.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Your last name stays put.
Damn it's good to be a man.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without
thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th,
in 45 minutes.
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar
bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and
approaches the bartender to ask: What's up with the jar? Bartender: Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests,
then you get all the money. Man: What are the three tests? Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules. So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar. Bartender: OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
WHOLE thing at once, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
tooth........ you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an
orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and
then get crazier from there. Bartender: It's your call. But your money stays in the jar. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks... "Wherez
zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and
downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but
he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling,
and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be
dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big
scratches all over his body. "Ok, NOW", he says, "where's that old broad with the sore tooth?"
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and
set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and
I'll swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack
my new blue silk pyjamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise
looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many
fish? He says, Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few Pike. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do? The good wife replies; "Oh, but I did! They were in your tackle
box!"
"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we
feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments. "Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out
the trash, so it's an even trade. "Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will
result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine." "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead"
in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will
talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. (Loud Sigh): This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". (Soft Sigh): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will
stay content. "Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh,
let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing
last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk,
to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she
is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to
talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie
more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead"
followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to
write about them. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that
you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and
used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point
in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to
be in some mighty big trouble. "Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you
have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay". "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're
welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be
followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong
after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him
back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse," The Indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man...only
think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse
and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets
off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow...can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both
ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE,
damn it! P-O-S-S-E!!!!!!!!!!"
Lester moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that, I went and spent it already." "Okay then. Just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Lester and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $998. " "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
This was to be the new blonde flight attendant's first overnight
trip, so the Captain was showing her the best place for personnel to
eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as he was preparing
the crew for the day's flight, he noticed the new flight attendant
was missing. Since he knew which hotel room she was staying in he
called her to find out what had happened. Crying, she answered the phone and said, "Help, I can't get out of
the room!" "What do you mean, you can't get out of the room?" the
Captain asked. "Well I can only find three doors," she sobbed. "One is the
bathroom, one is the closet and the other one has a sign on it that
says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"