The Workman Cometh
by Liz Green and Baz Cann
It's October/November, and cold you'll agree,
When the Borough Council send notice to me.
"We'll fit you new kitchens" they proudly announce,
"Starting any time now" - I'm ready to pounce!
A Christmas with builders is not my idea
Of happily welcoming in a New Year !
Is this a leg-pull; they must surely be joking,
It's sadder than anything this side of Woking.
Give us plenty of warning is our plaintive plea,
To our humble request they readily agree.
The weeks turn to months, and time progresses on,
Not one single word of when it's to be done.
Until late in January when the neighbour comes round,
The Prophets have spoken, they're coming around!
Sheer panic and mayhem and rushing about,
To clear all the kitchen so work can then start.
And urgent phone calls are hurriedly made,
To alter the plans that were carefully laid.
Two days we are given to get the place clear,
A perfect beginning to a perfect year.
And time off to make sure the job is done right,
To make sure your possessions stay well within sight.
The news that there will be no cooker for weeks
Is enough to give anyone a dose of the shrieks!
While in the meanwhile, we are packed tight as hell,
Then someone informs us that all is not well!
The painter is behind by several weeks,
And getting the rages, ranting and tweaks!
Your units won't arrive for at least two days,
So this is you're lot - best get used to these ways!
The plasterer/tiler will call around soon,
Aye, most probably at next full moon!
Can't walk on the floors until things are all set,
But that is a part that we haven't reached yet.
So to this conclusion now have we drawn,
Due in part to the Council attracting our scorn
If the job is worth doing, then do it yourselves,
This lot are as useful as two garden elves!
At least you can work round to suit as you please,
Instead of being brought sharply to your knees.
The experience of taking the kids to the pub,
For something to eat is sure to make you blub.
Is this really stressful, why no, not a bit,
As long as you make sure there's a worker to hit
While typing this parody, curled up in a ball,
For the space where I am is incredibly small
So if I appear to be totally shattered,
It's just that I'm in pain, hungry and Knackered !!!!!!
