Ella, Boaby's beloved had gone to stay with her aged mother for a
Week, Leaving the Wee man to fend for himself. Being a typical
Male ...Boaby spent the best part of the Previous night in his
Local Tavern (The Piston Broke). Only to awaken the next Afternoon
with the Customary Hangover!
"Oh! Jeezus Christ!" ...Said Boaby ..."I've a heid like the
Elephant Man .. Oh!.. Christ I feel lousy."
Boaby climbed from his bed, No need to dress as he had forgotten
to take his clothes off the Previous night.
After a Quick wash and shave, Boaby started to feel a little
better and headed for the Kitchen.
"Bluddy Starvin" ...Said Boaby ... "Feed the Bear" ... Boaby
opened the Fridge.
Boaby played around with the Idea of Frying himself a couple of
Eggs, But decided against it, The thought of the Smoking oil,
causing gurgling eruptions in the Pit of his Stomach.
"AH!" said Boaby, Now searching through the Freezer compartment
..."Jist the Joab... PIES" ..Boaby stood up holding Two frozen
Scotch Pies.
Whistling happily to himself he opened the Door of the Cupboard
containing the Crockery.
"Suffering Christ! ...Nae Plates"...Said Boaby. His eyes drifting
to the Kitchen Sink ..Piled hight with HIS dirty Dishes.
"Ye'd Think Ella wid make sure there wiz enough Bluddy clean
Dishes," Said Boaby ... "Thats the Problem wie the Wimmen ...Alway
thinking oh themselves ...Nae Bluddy Concideration fur ithers."
"AH HA!" Cried Boaby ....Reaching up to the top Shelf..."Jist the
Joab" .. said Boaby, Grabbing Ella's Pride and Joy.
A Bone China Cake plate ... Covered in hand painted red Roses,
with a Gold trim and a silver handle in the Middle.
Boaby placed his Two frozen Pies on the Plate and headed towards
the Microwave oven.
"CHRIST! ye'd need a bluddy degree tae work these things".. said
Boaby." Thats the problem noo-a-days ...Yea get all these new
fangled things tae make Wimmens work easier, but they dinnae tell
yea how tae work them."
"Bugger It!" Said Boaby ...Placing the Pies and plate into the
Microwave ... "I'll try Full Power ....Mm.. Frozen Pies ...Eh,
Should take aboot 35 minutes ...Aye Easy enough." He smiled.
Having shut the Microwave door and hit the Start Button, Boaby
left the Kitchen, Picked up his morning Paper from the Letterbox
and Settled down in his Armchair.
Boaby had barely got his Arse on the Chair, and opened his Daily
Record at the Sport pages ...When there was a Loud Explosion
"SUFFERIN CHRIST!" Screamed the Wee man throwing himself off the
Chair and onto the living room Floor
Two Missiles narrowly missed Boaby's Head and Splattered onto the
Living Wall.
"GOOD GOD!" said an Amazed Boaby ..Staring at the Wall ...Now
covered with the Remains of his "Supersonic Scotch Pies"
Boaby climbed to his Feet and gingerly entered the Kitchen.
"Bluddy Hell" ...Said Boaby ...The Microwave Oven's door had Blown
off and lay at the oher side of the Kitchen, The Floor was covered
in tiny shards of Bone Chine, And in the Centre of the Oven was a
small pool of Molten Metal.
"I Bluddy Telt ELLA No tae buy that "Made in Japan" Muck, They
buggers huv no forgotten the Bluddy War."
"Look at that" .. Said Boaby .. "No even three month auld and
Faulty already."
Boaby spent the Next few Minutes Tidying up the Broken Crockery
from the Floor, He tried sticking the Door back on to the
Microwave with Masking Tape, Satisfied with his Job, Boaby pressed
the Start Button.
"Nothing ... Bluddy Fuse musta blown" ...thought Boaby ..."Noo
whit will I eat?"
"ACH.. Bugger it ...I'll just treat mysel tae a Chippie."Boaby
grabbed his Bunnet and Jacket and made the Short walk to the
Chipshop.
When Boaby arrived at the Chipshop, It was empty ...Apart from the
Man and Wife behind the Counter.
"Gie's a Pie Supper.. Charlie" ...Said Boaby.
"Onea Pie Supper a Comin Upa ....And da name is Toni" ..Said the
Man.
"NO.. its bluddy NO ... Yer Charlie Doak ...I wiz in School wie
ya. Said Boaby."
"I wiz Charlie ...But changed my Name tae Toni when I bought the
Shop" ...He Replied.
"The place huz always been called Toni's Chippie ...At least for
the Past 25 years." Said Boaby.
"AYE! Well it wiz Cheaper tae change my name by Deed Pole than get
the Painters tae make a New Sign" ..Said Toni
"Ye Wanta Salt ana Vinegar?" He asked
"AYE"
"Thatsa One Pound Fifty ...Sur"
"WHIT ....Sufferin Christ ...Where dae ye get aff ...Overcharging
People like That. They pies are only forty Pence frae the Bakers,
A pound ten pence fur half a Bluddy Fried Tattie ...Yer no On
PAL."
"Data is De Price ... Ye tak it or Leave it."
"Yer a Bluddy Con Man, Alway huv been ...Chargin Charlie they
called ye at School."
"LOOK! ...Am no staunin here taking yer insults, Get the Hell oot
oh my Shop ...GO oan bugger aff ...And Don't come back."
"Dinnae Worrie yersel There Pal ...I widnae be seen deid in the
Place." Said Boaby walking out of the Shop.
"Bluddy Cheek!" Said Toni ..."Talking tae Me like that in my Ain
Shop.... I showed him who's Boss."
"AYE ...MAYBE" ...Said his Wife ..."But yea threw him oot before
he Paid fur his Chips."
"The Theivin Wee Baz-turd" ...Said Toni ...Sinking his head into
his Hands ..."Even at bluddy School he could Fleece me."
Boaby was happily wandering down the Road, A large portion of
Scotch pie in his mouth, and stuffing in the Odd Chip.
With the sheer pleasure of the Pie Supper, Boaby was certainly not
concentrating on where he was putting his Feet, Not that it would
have mattered as the View of his feet was completly obstructed by
the Newspaper from his Chippie.
Hardly surprising then that Wee Boaby didn't notice the Small
Yellow and Blue tube lying on the Pavement ....Well until he Stood
on it.
Wee Boaby stopped in his tracks! ..."WHIT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
Boaby slowly moved his Chippaper over to the left and looked Down.
A smile of relief came over his face, when he saw only a small
pool of clear coloured liquid seeping from under his left shoe.
"Thank Christ!" ...Said Boaby ... "Thought it wiz Dog Shite or
Puke I had stood on."
Boaby gently tried raising his foot to see what the Liquid was,
But his Shoe stayed exactly where it was. Boaby tried to lift his
leg a bit harder, But no Luck his Brown Hush Puppy was firmly
stuck to the Pavement.
"OH!... Bugger and Dam it"... Screamed Boaby .. "Whits happened
Noo."
Boaby Slipped off his Left shoe, and Hobbled over and placed his
Precious Pie Supper on the Wall at the Side of the Pavement.
Boaby returned to his Shoe, And with both hands grabbed the Upper
and gave a quick Tug.
The Stubborn Shoe didn't move, Boaby Tried a bit harder, Then
tried with all his Might, But the Shoe seemed firmly Stuck to the
Paving slab.
Suddenly...Boabys attention was taken by a strange Flapping and
Rustling noise, He looked over his Shoulder, Only to see two
massive Seagulls getting Wolfed into his Pie Supper.
"HEY! ...BUGGER AFF YEA BLUDDY VULTURES" ... Cried Boaby, Running
forward and Flapping his Arms in the Air.
One seagull took off and soared into the Empty Sky with Boabys Pie
in its Beak, The Second left with a Beak full of Chips, But its
large Web feet hit the Newspaper and the Remainder of Boaby's
Supper ...Disappeared over the Wall.
It was a forlorn Wee Man that stuck his head over the Wall only to
see his Meal floating down the River Clyde.
"Thievin Wee Baz-turds"... Mumbled Boaby..Returning to the Problem
with his Shoe.
Boaby gently lift the Back of his Shoe ..."AH HA! The Back bit is
no stuck" ..Said Boaby.
Boaby grabbed the Heel portion of his Shoe with both hands, and
placing a leg each side ...Heaved with all his might
"No Good" thought Boaby ..."Its still Stuck ...I'll need
something to Lever it up."
However when Boaby tried to stand up ...His Hands were firmly
stuck to the Sole of his Shoe.
"ACH NO!".. Cried Boaby ..."Ma Bluddy Hauns are stuck Noo."
Boaby knelt down on the Pavement trying to see under his shoe, to
get some idea what was causing all the Problems. Unfortunatly
Boaby had his Knuckles on the Paving slab, Only to find his
Fingers were not only stuck to his Shoe, But his knuckles were now
firmly stuck to the Paving slab.
Just at that two young teenagers appeared out of a dary allyway.
"Whits the Problem Mister" said Shuggie
Me Hauns are stuck tae the Bluddy Pavement Son... Replied Boaby
Can ye gie we a haun here boys ... Said Boaby looking at them
hopefully.
SEE! ..Said a smiling Shuggie ...I telt ye it wid work.
AYE So ye did replied his brother Duggie.
We'll gie ye a haun alright Mister..Smiled Duggie
At that the two teenagers started going through Boabys pockets,
Eventually finding his wallet.
HERE LEAVE THAT ALANE YE THEVIN WEE BAZ-TURDS ...Screamed Boaby.
ACH Shut yer face ...said Shuggie ..giving Boaby a hefty kick up
the Arse.
Boaby fell face first onto the Pavement, Getting back up on his
Knees ...Only to hear a ripping sound ..as two of the Buttons on
his trouser fly remained Superglued to the Pavement.
As Boaby struggled to his feet his trouser fell slowly to his
Ankles.
I'LL GET YE FUR THIS ...YE PAIR OH BUGGERS ..Screamed Boaby at the
Laughing teenagers ..Walking down the road counting Boabys Money.
Boaby was struggling and twisting his body in all directions
trying desperatly to frre his hands, He didn't even notice Big
Mags and Soor faced Shelia coming out of the Back door of the
bakers shop.
FRIGGIN HELL ...A FLASHER ...screamed Big Mags
She struck Boaby a hefty whack accross his arse with her brolley
TAK THAT YE WEE PERV ...YE ...Wagglin yer Arse at innocent wimmin.
ARRG! ...CUT IT OOT... Screamed Boaby ...Kin yea no see I'm Stuck?
Yer Arse is no Stuck ...Observed Soor faced Shelia ..Its rumblin
aboot like a Melon in a bag.
Look fur christ sake ...Phone me an Ambulance ...AM STUCK TAE THE
BLUDDY PAVEMENT ...Screamed Boaby.
Ten Minutes Later:
The two Paramedics appeared on the scene
RIGHT! Whits the Problem Here? ...NAW ..LET ME GUESS said the
first
GASTRO ENTRITIS ...He diagnosed with a Smile
GOD ..Said the Second Medic ...That wiz Quick ...How dae ye dae
it?
ACH EASY PEASY ...Said the First
Doubled over ....Sair Belly
Trooser roond his Ankles ..Classic sign of Flatulance ...Blew his
Breeks right Aff.
Then there's the Smell ...Like Rotten Eggs ..
Definately Gastro Entritis
WHIT A LOAD A BOLLOCKS ...Screamed Boaby
AM BLUDDY SUPERGLUED TAE THE PAVEMENT
OH ...How did that happen ...said a rather sheepish Medic
Two boys did it and then stole my Wallet.
Whits the Smell then?
Its his Sweatie Feet ...said Big Mags ...Their pure Mingin
OH Right ...Well lets hay a look.
Mm ...Need tae get ye tae the Hospital ...They have stuff tae
dissolve the Glue there ..
We'll need tae call fur the Fire brigade.
FIRE BRIGADE ...Whit Fur asked Boaby.
Well we need tae lift the Paving slab ...Don't we? and we dinnae
huv crowbars in the Meat Wagon ...i'll go Radio fur them.
Ten Minutes later:
The Firebrigade arrive on the Scene and have a five minute
disscussion with the Medics.
Right them! Said the Medic ...Can ye lift up the paving Slab, Then
we kin get him ...Slab in all ontae the Stretcher and aff tae
Hospital.
OCH AYE ...NAE BOTHER ...But we'll need tae call in the Cooncil
roads department.
COONCIL ROADS DEPARTMENT ...WHIT DAE YE NEED THEM FUR ...asked
Boaby
Well! ... Say we lever up the Paving slab ..And they two take ye
and the Slab aff in their Meat wagon ... It'll leave a big hole in
the Pavement ... If some silly Bugger trips in it ..They kin Sue
the Brigade fur thoosands ...We Need the Cooncil Workers tae cone
the place aff.
An Hour Later:
The Yellow Glasgow Council Lorry appears ...The Six workers
disambark and talk to the Fire Officers.
AYE NAE PROBLEM ...We kin Cone the Area Aff, But it ooor Teabreak,
So we'll be back in ten Minutes.
The Council workers returned to their lorry and enjoyed there Tea
and Sandwiches.
Ten Minutes Later ...The Workmen had Coned off Boabys Arse, The
Brigade had Levered up the Slab. The Medics gentley laid Boaby on
the Stretcher ...Face upwards and with the Paving slab resting on
his Forehead.
We'll get ye tae the hospital as quick as we can Pal ...It time
fur oor Break as Well ... Said the Medic.
HEY CHARLIE ...Ken any short Cuts?
AYE I'll tak the first left here ...His mate shouted back.
First left was a single track ....Cobbled Street
The Ambulance raced down the Cobbled Street ...Siren Wailing
The Heavy Paving slab bounced off Boabys head.
Having Quickly arrived at the Hospital, The Doctor used a solvent
liqued to Dissolve the Super Glue to Free Boaby.
The Nurse bandaged Boabys hands, and a rather nasty looking Cut on
his Forehead. She even pinned his Trousers ...With a rather large
Safty Pin to protect his Modesty.
Boaby Arrived Home, But the Problem with his Trouser ..Was
bothering him.
Ella wasn't due home until the Next Day, And this was the Only
Pair of clean Trousers he had.
The Next flat up from Boabys wee hoose ..belonged to Mary and
Calum Mackay.
Calum was a gentle Giant from the Islands, A rather weird looking
Man of six feet six with wild Red hair and a bushy beard.
His Wife ...Mary was a cute looking Lassie of around 24 and very
shy.
Nothing Fur it ...said Boaby ...I'll huv tae ask Mary if she kin
mend ma Trousers.
Wee Boaby Knocked on the Door, and when Mary answered it he
explained his Predicament.
Aye ok boaby ...i'll sew on a couple of Buttons for ye.
Boaby stood in the Centre of her small neat living room, While
Mary, Kneeled in front of him, Busy with her Needle and Thread.
Having sewed on the Missing Two Buttons .. Mary looked around her
Where did I pit the Scissors ...She asked
Ach No Matter ...i'll just bite the Tread off (As most woman do)
Just at that point the Door opened and in walked Calum
WHIT THE BLUDDY HELL IS GOING ON HERE ...He screamed
It's no whit it Looks ...Pleaded Boaby
IS IT NO? ...Said Calum ..picking Boaby up with one hand
Calum Banged Boabys head off the Ceiling, then holding the Wee Man
out in front of him ...Smashed his fist intae his face
Boabys nose Flattened ...and he did a backard Summersault over the
Couch.
Boaby ...Quickly climbed to his Feet, And took off at full pelt
Down the Stairs.
Boaby Ran for his Life with Big Calum hot on his Heels.
Down the Stairs ....Across the Street ...Down the Road ..And round
the Corner
Boaby scheeched to a Halt ...There was Ella.
ELLA..... Whit are you doing here?
I wiz missin yea Boaby ...I came home early ..She Smiled
THERE YE ARE YE WIFE STEALIN WEE BAZ-TURD ..Roared Big Calum
Boaby started running Again ...I'll see ye later Darlin ..he
shouted to Ella
WHITS ALL THIS ABOOT WIFE STEALING ...Asked Ella