| Cowboy Boots |
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a
pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their
hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells , "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!"
| Farting Husband |
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took
the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and
gently pulling back the bedcovers she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he raced to the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes. After all the years of torture she
reckoned she had got her own back. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter.
He said"Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and
I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean," asked his wife. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in."
| OUR FIRST WINTER |
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first
we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and
sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently
down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so
beautiful and peaceful. We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and
bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day
a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted
snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it away again. The children next
door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball
fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and
joined in their fun. It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly
afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.Much of the snow is
now a brownish - grey. Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres
for both our cars. Fell on my a*se in the driveway. Went to a
physio but nothing was broken. Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her
to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the
right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both
vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that bastard
snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bl*ody shovel. More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped
over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames
out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye
brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to
casualty and was written off. F****** b******d white sh*te just keeps on coming down. Have to
put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box the
little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a*se it'll
take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the
a*sehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and
rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then
he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher
and buries the f******g driveway again. 16 more s*dding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and
f*****g sleet and god knows what other white sh*te fell last
night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the
snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f*****g toes.
Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow
forecast
DEC 20th
| Be Nice to the Nurse |
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even
when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his
nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse
stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get
back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
| Mental Patient |
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and
stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became
aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be
mentally stable When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save
the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with
his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry!
| The REDNECK |
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became
very hostel and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators
noticed Rickey, a part time redneck intern, responsible for
cleaning the animals' cages. Rickey, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park
administrators thought they might have a solution. Rickey was approached with a proposition. Would be willing to
have sex with the gorilla for $500? Rickey showed some interest,
but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Rickey announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions.
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so
they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Rickey, "You gotta give me another week to come up
with the $500.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
| Things Men need to Know about Style |
(1) Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie. (2) Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a
vicar. (3) Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. (4) Ironing them yourself is eviden|ce of an unsound mind. (5) Cowboy boots - NO!!! (6) Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch. (7) Going bald ? - shave it off for God's sake. (8) Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won
Wimbledon. (9) Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild
side of your corporate facade. (10) They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish
she did. (11) Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans. (12) A jester hat does not make a man wacky. Even Noddy Holder regrets
the 70s. (13) Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers...... (14) as are medallions........and tracksuit tops and bottoms. (15) Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? Habitat
helpline 0845 601 0740 (17) Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do
the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat, and are a
member of NSync (18) Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser. (20)If your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd kit?
Please seek professional help. (21) Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and
"ice" ring in the window of H.Samuel where it can live a long and
happy life doing no-one any harm.... (22) You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone pocket
of your combats. (23) Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's not
going to do it for you. (24) Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it
two buttons = casual;
'three = oversharing.
And Angelina is: a) an actress and b) married.
| Things Women need to know about Style |
(1) Show more cleavage
(2) Wear shorter skirts
| The Stripper |
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to Angels strip club. They sit in the front row next to the stage while Blondie does her
stuff. For the finale she waggles her naked a*se in the Englishman's
face; he reaches for his wallet, takes out a tenner, licks it and
slaps it on her left buttock. The stripper moves along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the
Irishman,he too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and
slaps it on her right cheek. She now confronts the Scot with her pert ass and squashes it in
his face. Hysterically he removes his wallet, takes out his Debit
card, swipes it between her cheeks; and takes twenty pounds
cashback!
| The Single Shopper |
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?" The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?' He says, 'Because your Fu*king ugly.'
