| Clever Councilling |
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young
man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the
problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.
On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all
the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who
was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays
and Thursdays at 9:00."
| I not come work today |
"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Tony I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Tony calls:"Boss, I did what you says and I feels great. I come work soon. Hey Boss, you sure got nice house
| WHAT ? |
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming"
retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other
fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about
being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy
suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could
buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters,
that would keep me busy for about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend added,
"Well, I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating
eighteen children, so the man again volunteered to explain. "Yahsee, the problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed
at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep,
or what?' and my mom would always say, 'What?'"
| Genie Jokes |
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar
but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he
had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and
pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million
bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves
him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million
ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing
partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of
boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He
pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and
takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie
appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more
clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs
reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
| The Dentist |
The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my balls!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
| Rejected Cards |
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
2. My tire was thumping....
3. You had your bladder removed
4. You've announced that you're gay,
5. Happy Vasectomy!
6. Heard your wife left you...
7. You totaled your car...
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it....
She moved in with me
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
| Posters |
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they
did it by killing all those who opposed them. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then
you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness
of the situation. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. Plagiarism saves time. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
| Short Jokes Section |
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
My sex life is so bad... ... that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice
came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
| Well Known Proverbs |
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Better to be safe than...................Punch a 5th grader
| Live Long |
A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The
doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing
wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the
body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father
when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The
doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he
very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he
still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three
times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old
was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me
you are 60 years old and both your father and your
grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season
and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,"
said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next
week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your
grandfather wants to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
wanted to?"
| VELLY GOOD :) |
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York
City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week,
he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the
teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the
door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
| Movie Teachings |
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
| Bubba kin speel |
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
| Confession |
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned." "What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" "I had sex with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell
you who it was." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive
me for my sin." "Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe." "No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you
will be abolished of your sin." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was
waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
