| The Ballerina |
A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible
trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I
fart," she cries. "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible."
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly. "That's amazing, do it again." Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart. "Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He
bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on
the end. The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do
with that?" "Open the window, it stinks in here for Christ sake."
| Interesting Facts |
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight & sleep tight."
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based; this period was called the honey month or what was known today as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
6.In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
| The Excited Preacher |
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was
sin, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes
to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the centre
aisle, close to the front and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his
audience to this voluptuous sex-object. He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good
book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in
this building on evil thoughts. But I am a man of God! You
don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"
| Two Old Ladies |
One early afternoon, two old ladies were sitting and talking
in a park. Along came a flasher, who flashed the two old
ladies. One old lady had a stroke...but the other couldn't
reach.
| Pregnancy Question |
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
Q:I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labour, but pressure. Is she right?
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: No, 35 children is enough..
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college..
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
air current. .
A: Yes, pregnancy..
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly..
| and from Men |
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labour?
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel
and act normal again?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?.
A: Not unless the words "alimony" and "child support" mean
anything to you?.
A: When the kids are in college.
| The Mistress |
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him
she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him
and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband,
"that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a
divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but,
remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more
shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no
Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club.
But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a
mutual friend entering the restaurant with gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his
mistress," replies her husband. ... "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
| Choices |
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not
know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one
$5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes
out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man,"I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much." The second one went out and
bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a
stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these
gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest
of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money... ... He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits...
