| Tarzan & Jane |
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex..
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
"Oh," Tarzan said, "...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,....but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said as she spread her legs wide, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, looked closely and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed to her like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan have to check for squirrel!"
| SEEKING CHARITY |
A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes."I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
| Cheatin |
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
"Simple," replied the manager. "On question 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
| FAIRY TALE |
A lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, she figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, deeply and passionately, and you know what the lady turned into?
..........(Keep going).......................
.....the nearest motel.....
| Cherokee Wisdom |
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did all the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
| The HELPFUL BLONDE |
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi,my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
| Conned Dom |
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with the tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, wonder if you would tell me about this?" [pointing to the bowl]
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I haven't had a cold all winter
| Spaghetti Trouble |
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti ~
Two with sausage and meatballs...
And Two without...
| That Earring? |
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."