| River Bank |
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
| MEASUREMENT OF FLAGPOLE |
A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure.
They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length"
| Clues that you should get off line |
You name your children Netscape, Hyperlink and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems.
You start using smileys :) in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
| Dogs Problems |
Two dogs are sitting at the vets office. One has a dismal look about him. The other says,,FONT COLOR=LIME> "Why the sad face?"
The other dog replies, "Well, my master beats the hell out of me all the time, and yesterday I had enough and I bit him. I'm next in line to be put to sleep."
After a couple of minutes, the second dog says, "What you here for?"
The first dog replies, "Well, my owner is this great looking gal you see here. Yesterday she was putting my food out, and when she bent over, I could resist myself and started f*cking her from behind."
The second dog says,"So you're next in line behind me?"
"No," said the other. "I'm here to have my nails done and see if they can do anything about my breath."
| Wabiths |
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck."
| Royal Flush |
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a happier place to be."
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know, Pete, if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a happier place."
"Not bad," says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, shoots a full bottle of water into her vagina and lets it gush all over the floor.
"Excellent! You're in!" says St Peter.
"Hold on a minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say anything!"
"Fred, you know the rules," says St Peter. "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens."