The CRYPT Mag

Clear for takeoff

By Ian Urie

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f**king bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll outafter touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bl**dy war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

Pilot: Good morning, this is your pilot speaking. Welcome aboard this flight to somewhere, we'll be flying at 34k feet, the weather is calm and no turbulence is expected. Our cabin crew will shortly be doing a safety demonstration - please give it your full attention. Thank you for choosing to fly with us today, and we hope you have a pleasant flight.

Tower: Thank you - Perhaps you'd like to say that to your passengers?

During a particularly busy period, with aircraft stacked up all around waiting to land because of early fog.
TOWER... Japan Air 123 what is your endurance (ie how much fuel do you have left to stay airborne)

JAL 123............... after a long pause and very nervously "er, Lloyds we think !!!!"

Tower: BA 356 your strobes are not showing.
BA 356: Hang on, must be a fuse
Short pause
BA 356: Are they on now
Tower: Yes
BA 356: Its amazing what a good kick will do

After every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.

1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.

1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.

1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.

1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.

1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.

1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.

1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.

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