1 When driving leave plenty of room to allow car users to overtake. Then close it up before they actually manage to get there.

2 Do not form a 'convoy' of towed vehicles. Until someone starts to overtake.

3 Do not park in a lay by to read maps. Wait until you come upon the crest of a hill, then stop.

4 Do not tow a light caravan. Make it as heavy as you can to slow down all the fast cars.

5 Do not place heavy things in the overhead lockers. Pile all the really heavy things on the floor. So that when the caravan weighs more than the car you can brake and run into the car in front. He will appreciate this.

6 Stabilisers. Don't use them. The car drivers behind you will love the free entertainment as you attempt to control the snake caused by overloading your caravan.

7 Please observe the speed limits. Observe them but don't keep to them, you'll never get anywhere.

8 Do not overtake downhill. Not because it's dangerous but overtaking uphill is a lot slower and will irritate the hell out of other road users.

9 When pitching up be aware of the condition of the ground. Then find the softest part and drive your two wheeled drive car on to it. Get stuck and rev the engine and spin the wheels to get out. This will cause the Warden to come and assist you with a big smile.

10 Headlight beam deflectors for use on the Continent. Don't use them. They don't over here.

11 Satellite Navigation. Use it when driving solo. This will take your concentration from the road causing you to swerve all over the road to the amazement and amusement of other road users.

There you have it. Use these simple rules and you will be amazed at the reaction and waves you will receive from other road users.

Eggs!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!"

"Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter."

"Oh, my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful!! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me!"

"Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife turned and stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Wullie

Wullie fae Keith walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.

He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone wife, Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'.

"This," says Wullie, "is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae aboot"

"Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep."

"Haud yer tongue woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."