During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal is unpleasant."

And Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

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Fred went to the Doctor's

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest instrument the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry,"said the doctor, I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, damnit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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