Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Chinese Proverb: Man who pee in wind gets wet face.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

A bit of violence never hurt anyone.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who sit on tack get point.

Rugby - a game played by men with odd shaped balls

If at first you don't succeed - redefine success. If at first you don't succeed give up skydiving!

man who eat soup with chopsticks starves!

never test the depth of water with both feet!

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness(sp?)

"Man who walk around with hole in pocket feel cocky"

Woman who send man to dog house soon find him in cat house.

"You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think"

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

Man with hole in both pockets feel too cocky

==========================

Red Sky at night,
Shepherds Delight.
Sheep drowned in morning,
Global warming.

=========================

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man.

"Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"...

There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has! happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,

but............."

HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER

=========================================

A lie is a poor substitute for the truth - but the only one discovered so far.