| The CRYPT Mag |
By Dingo!
British Army answerphone message:
"Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry but all our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, the Falklands, burning/burying farm animals, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory equal opportunities training, we will return your call."
"Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following messages."
"If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, then press 1 for the Royal Marines."
"If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press # for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends."
"If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write well in advance to, The First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall, London."
"If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps."
"If you are in real, hot trouble, please press 3, and your call will be transferred to Sandline International."
"If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization and are prepared to work your arse off daily, risking life and limb, in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over recruiting sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station."
"Have a pleasant day, and thank you for calling the British Army."
Behind the Porno Movie
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician, who is immensely embarrassed, turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music."
The elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tyre, somewhere in North Dakota."
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
Billy asks: Daddy, how was I born?
Daddy answers: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
Soon I was ready to upload, then we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
****** "You've Got Male"*****
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
| © RIYAN Productions |
